Image“Now…. dance!”

Today I want to talk about deportment. I know, I know, it’s a old person thing to say,  but the more I observe people (and since I appointed myself Lord and Mistress of how everyone should behave, I observe people A LOT), the more I realise that looking good is 1 part your physical appearance and style and 2 parts how you carry yourself. I’ll often find myself admiring someone for their great outfit or beauty only to find, when I really look at them, that they are wearing something totally bland that many others are wearing or that they are actually quite average looking. The difference lies in their bearing, in the way they sit, stand, hold their head up etc.

So, here are the 6 basic rules of excellent deportment for modern ladies (and gents):

1.) No fidgeting! Do you ever see the Queen picking at her nail varnish, twirling (or worse, chewing) her hair, absent-mindedly scratching her boob or pulling on her lips? Can you picture how incongruous that would look against her regal stature? Can you imagine the terrible photos we would have of her if she did? Now, I’m not saying that if you have an itch, you shouldn’t scratch it. I’m not Hitler. But I never realised before quite how much trouble people have with staying still. So, please, try to be aware of your body when you’re out and about and remember that continuous and repetitive motion is distracting, annoying and seldom elegant.


2.) No slouching. Now this is a tough one and one that I am still learning to enforce upon myself. But slouching looks so dumpy and ungraceful. It gives the impression of a person who has lost all hope and given up. Sit or stand up straight! Gone are the days of learning to walk with books on our head (unfortunately, I always thought that looked kind of fun. Way better than double chemistry anyway…) but the reasoning remains the same. You not only look so much better when you are tall and open but you feel so much better. Just like smiling when you are grumpy can actually cheer you up, so forcing yourself to adopt good posture can make you feel lighter and lifted.


3.) Close your legs! Pants are awesome. I love pants. I would be lost without pants. Truly, I bow down to pants. However, pants are for the wearer and selected (lucky!) others to view. Pants are not for the visual delight of every single other person on the train. I would say that I have seen the knickers of every single woman I share the commute with, at least once. Ladies (and Scotsmen/other skirt enthusiasts) – if your skirt falls anywhere above the knee (even just the tiniest bit) and is not super floaty, then you must keep your legs together! And I mean together. It can be a bit of an effort, legs do naturally fall outwards, but nevertheless, one has to try. Failing that, you can put your handbag on your lap or rest a jacket/scarf there. Grace Kelly never flashed her gusset at strangers and neither should you.


4.) As well as your body, do try to remain aware of your face when you are out in public. It’s very easy to get lost in your own world and lose sight of the fact that there are others around you, but people make the funniest faces when they zone off. They pick their teeth with their tongue, they yawn without covering their mouths, they wiggle their noses instead of just scratching a tickle, they murmur to themselves, they play with their facial expressions like children just learning how to frown. It’s not offensive, but nor is it elegant. Everyone should have the words “I am the Queen I am the Queen I am the Queen” on a constant loop in their heads. (Or is that just me? :-0)

5.) No looking suicidal. It freaks people out. Yesterday (which admittedly was A Level results day I think, so could have potentially been a bad day for several people) I sat next to a young boy on the train and almost followed him home to make sure that he wasn’t heading past any bridges. He was slumped over, with his head in hands, sporadically rubbing his face and raking his hair back. And sighing. Loudly. A more vivid picture of depression (or, maybe just really dramatic teenage angst) would be hard to come by. I get that everyone has bad days and I know a lot of people follow the mantra that hiding your emotions is bad for you. And I agree, to a point. I am happy to let my feelings out at home. By myself or to my sister (who claims not to but I’m sure secretly loves my rants! :-D) But the average Joe doesn’t need to know. Game face, people, game face. And as I said before, looking miserable and allowing my bearing to crumple actually makes me more miserable.

6.) Food = good. Dazedly wiping Wotsit dust off your chest and picking popcorn out of your bra = less good. Again, this is just about awareness. Don’t lose yourself so thoroughly in a magazine or your ipod that you don’t realise that you are chewing with your mouth open, or making a mess all over yourself and the floor. Hide behind your hand to pick your teeth. Repeat after me: I am not the Tasmanian Devil I am not the Tasmanian Devil I am not the Tasmanian Devil because I am the Queen.


So there you have it. Back straight, head up, gaze lifted. We are poised, we are graceful, we are proud and we are elegant.

And we are wearing knickers with Spongebob Squarepants on them. ;-p

Thank you!


 The Etiquetterie