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Summersummersummertiiime! It’s here it’s here! It’ll be gone in a week but still, it’s here! And I am excited!! Can you tell?

So, the sun is finally shining, the grass is finally greening, my legs are finally, well ok they still glow in the dark but you get my drift, it’s summer! And I hadn’t realised until this latest burst of joyous warmth that summer needs an etiquette guide all of its own. It turns out that people do bizarre things in summer. Things they wouldn’t dream of doing in the bleak midwinter. And while I enjoy the easy-breezy, relaxed summer vibes as much as the next Vitamin D starved Londoner, I think it might be time to put the brakes on certain summertime habits.

So,

Summer Rule 1: Don’t listen to Nelly! Yes, it certainly is hot in herre Sir but adding unnecessary Rs is an odd response. Oh and please don’t take off all your clothes. They do actually make clothes out of lighter fabrics specifically for use in this most temperate of seasons. Fleece or nudity are not the only options. So, men- shirts are to be worn at all times when wandering around the city. At the beach you may take it off. In your garden you may take it off. The rules pertaining to the bath and shower remain unchanged, you may get as naked as you wish. But when there are no large or small bodies of water anywhere near you, please keep it covered. Showing off is not a good look and bumping into a shirtless sweaty stranger is an experience I could do without. (Trust me, it sounds better than it is.) The same goes for women, skimpy outfits are fine, underwear in public is not. I know that we here in London only get about 20 minutes of sunshine a year and it makes us all a little crazy but do remember that it’s called underwear for a reason. The clue is in the name.

Summer Rule 2: Summer lovin’ may have you ablast but show some decorum. The summer makes us all a little frisky. It’s hot, we’re sweaty, we’re relaxed, we’re scantily clad. But making out in public does not get a free pass. I have spoken about PDAs before but I feel that I need to point out that it is a year round rule. Etiquette knows not of seasons. I don’t need to be explaining to my niece what those people rolling around in the grass are doing while we picnic in the park.

Summer Rule 3. You got your hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on baby. And I bet you look awesome. But when you meet someone new for the first time, take your sunglasses off and make eye contact please. And don’t ever wear sunglasses at night. Even if you’re Kanye.

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Especially if you’re Kanye.

Summer Rule 4. La cucaracha la cucaracha…..No bug humour please, pretending to be a bee landing on me when I am still hyperventilating from having a bee land on me is not funny.

Summer Rule 5. Sharky and George may be the crimebusters of the sea but no shark humour either please. I have a friend who wouldn’t get in the sea one whole summer because someone pointed out a big fish and told her it was a shark.

Summer Rule 6. Club Tropicana, drinks are free. Except they’re not. Don’t do what I did once and swan off without paying after a berry vodka fuelled night, only to have to be chased down the road by a cousin for the most awkward conversation ever.

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Summer Rule 7. I know you want to fly away but if you are going somewhere by plane, do try not to have children.

Ok, fine you can have children but please don’t let them kick my seat for 4 hours.  Also, no bare feet on either side of my chair please, I don’t want my elbows all foot-y for the duration of my flight.

Summer Rule 8. Sex on the beach is just peachy when you are on your own private one but here are some things I would rather you didn’t do if we are sharing.

-Sex

-Please don’t spray your child’s Factor 1,000,000 sunscreen around willy nilly. I will now have a giant white patch on my thigh for the whole holiday.

-Please don’t swim off for so long that your dog decides to start yelping frantically and pooing everywhere.

-Men – please don’t wear speedos. They are just so……….graphic.

-No weeing in the sea. Or, if you must, at least be subtle about it and swim further away.

-As mentioned in a previous post, no grooming on the beach. No plucking, no spot picking, no exfoliating, no pedicure top-ups. I know we are nakeder than usual but this isn’t your bathroom.

-It’s still not ok to wear crocs.

Summer Rule 9. This ain’t nothing but a summer jam. And speaking of jam (ok this is tenuous), try to avoid ending up redcurrant coloured! It may not technically be etiquette, but being a doofus isn’t a good look. Neither is being a lobster. Wear sunscreen.

Summer Rule 10. Dude, the livin’ is easy! Relax, enjoy and for the love of all that’s good in the world please do not complain that it’s too hot. IF YOU SCARE THE SUN AWAY, YOU WILL HAVE ME TO ANSWER TO.

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Thank you!

Love,

The Etiquetterie

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